I’m so glad that a friend of mine sent me the article “Green Flags: 16 Good Signs In a New Relationship or Partner” by Kelly Gonsalves. It’s good stuff that I’m going to be using with my clients. The first good sign is that they listen well. The last is that you feel good around them. When I’m helping clients with their self-esteem, one of the classic items I teach them is to spend time around people who make them feel good. This is one of the problems with abusive partners, they tear you down, which brings your self-esteem down and makes it harder to leave them.
Self-awareness and empathy are two more of the green flags. If a partner doesn’t have either of these, run! Otherwise, you’re in for a really hard relationship. Take your time getting to know someone, at least a year or two, before getting married. People can fake empathy, but their true colors eventually come out. The relationship moving at a comfortable pace is another green flag. When relationships move too fast, it could be a red flag.
Another green flag is being engaged in the relationship. For example, they text you back consistently and make plans with you. Healthy relationships have an equal amount of give and take from each person. Mutuality, reciprocity, and freedom are 3 signs of a healthy relationship. These are talked about in the book The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick.
A couple of other green flags include your partner being kind to you and to others. This means they’re kind consistently, over time, not just at the beginning of the relationship. If your partner isn’t treating other people well, it’s probably a sign that they’re going to eventually treat you poorly as well. Watch how he treats his mom; he’s going to treat you the same way.
If the person you’re dating is controlling or easily angered, these are red flags. If he or she is dishonest, that is another red flag. If you are dating someone who has an addiction, that is a red flag. If the person you are dating has at least one DUI or DWI, that is a red flag. You want a partner, not a project. It’s amazing how many people think they can fix their partner or help them. No, that’s not your job. You want a partner who is a teammate, someone who is healthy just like you are. If you are attracting people who are unhealthy, then you have work to do on yourself. Get a counselor who’s familiar with this and/or read some good self-help books. Know that you are loved by God and He wants to give you a spouse in His perfect timing because He loves to give good gifts to His children (James 1:17 and Matthew 7:11).
I think a lot of people are familiar with the terms green and red flags. Debra Fileta, in her book True Love Dates, introduces the concept of yellow flags. She talks about how she learned this from a mentor while she was in college, so she created lists of green, yellow, and red flags when she was looking for her future husband. Debra gives the example of a communication deficit in a partner as being a yellow flag. That is something that can be worked on. The key there is that the person is working on it and making improvements consistently, over time. If the person is not changing in a positive direction over the long-term, then it’d be better not to marry them.
Do you need someone to walk through this with you? Reach out to me! I’d be happy to help!